My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize