Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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