apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
