so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
