I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
