I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
