i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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