Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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