Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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