Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize