I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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