My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
