K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
