he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
