Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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