everyone is single if you try hard enough
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
