Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
