she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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