My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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