I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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