I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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