I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
