You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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