no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
