literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
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Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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