The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
