My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
