So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
