She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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