I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
