My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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