apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
