Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
