Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
