Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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