I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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