you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
