Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
