Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
