I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
