Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
