Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
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Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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