Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
