I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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