Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
