im about as happy as oj after his trial
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
