Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
