I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
