Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
