he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
