Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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