The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
