I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
