in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
