that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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