Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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