i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
