I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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