Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
