I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
