sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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